Over
the years we have experienced various degrees of interference that engulfs the
length and breadth of marriages in our society . the family union is a bond
that is unbreakable , inseparable and made from heaven.
Members
of a family are related by the ties of consanguinity and share common
association with every member and in the Africa setting once a couple gets
married the two love birds are not only getting married to each other but are
also married to the families of each spouse a practice or rather a culture that
has persisted and handed from generation to generation especially in black
Africa.
Newly
married couples are worst hit in this practice as the couple both tie the knots
without any experience on what marriage actually is, practically speaking
Marriage has established itself as the only institution where there is no
graduation date because the couple involved keeps learning year in year out
about each other only to discover as their years gets older that they are still
learning about their partner.
Against
this backdrop of lack of experience, the extended family system has thrived over
the years in Africa ,with Nigeria as case study for the purpose of this write-up.
the extended family has played a major role both to make or mar a marriage and unfortunately
study has showed that a couple is better off in their marriages without the
interference of the extended family.
A
major area of challenge with the extended family system is when a couple gets
married irrespective of the personal decision they both take as regards child
birth at that early part of their marriage , the interference of the families
has caused so many disheartening stories that we hear today that sometimes lead
to break and makeups, separations and even divorces due to irreconcilable
differences. immediately after the first six months after the wedding the
extended families especially from the grooms family expect to see their wife
with a huge and protruding tummy that will be easily noticeable and unfortunately
if this is not the case the couple starts getting comments and body languages
suggesting that there is a problem with the couple just because there is no
pregnancy yet, this tradition has truncated some marriages , has led some
couples to make rash and unnecessary decisions as regards child birth just to
please their respective families some have resorted to early adoption of other
children , some have gone fetish, chanting incantations or meeting the demi
gods who some belief blesses people with children, some have resorted to asking
their wives to make love to other men in a bid to get pregnant by all means
while some have even connived with hospital personnel to steal newly born
babies and bring to them how unfortunate.
Some
couples have had their homes turned into refugee camps and a transit point by
any Tom, Dick and Harry by both extended families. The couple after marriage
have lost their privacy to family members who come in unannounced not
minding the prevailing condition of the host couple all in the name of its my sons
house, my brother’s house or even my daughters house all unnecessary
distraction s and extra expenses especially to newly married couples who
actually need some years of privacy and togetherness that get their marriage
grounded and fully establish.
Another
area of concern is the area of Finances where the couple gets bombarded by
requests and messages from both sides for financial burdens or even assistance
a trend that is scary in the extended family system. We have seen couples
struggle to stand financially especially after their weddings were they would
have incurred huge expense and deficit and ordinarily should be left for t
least 2 to 3 years of non-financial interference from any side of the families
. many a time we have seen extended families send over their wards to the homes
of these couples to live with them with or without their consent as a way to
transfer their financial burdens to the married couple.
Worth
mentioning is the problem of interference especially from mother in-laws though
this trend is gradually fading away even in Nigeria.. some in-laws will want to
have all the details of everything that happens in the daughter’s homes ranging
but not limited to how much their son in-law gives the daughter for upkeep,
whether he earns a lot of money, how good he is on bed whether he satisfies her
in bed, to petty things like whether he snores, whether he his dirty or even
whether he keeps other affairs outside etc. and when they receive answers
that contradicts what they expect problem starts as they engage their daughters
and start giving negative advice that is inimical to the progress and happiness
of their daughters. some in-laws also advice their sons to do exactly same
thing that the wife does and ask unnecessary questions like can she cook well, is
she lazy?, what time does she wake up, i hope she feeds you well, don't let he
control your money to mention a few
absolutely unnecessary interference
Another
interference that cannot be overemphasized is the extended family commitments
that comes default for as long as you are married to your spouse , when there
is an occasion in the families each spouse is expected to play a major role in
seeing to the success of the occasion at this point there can be no excuse for non-performance
as you are apportioned a financial target and activities that you will
fulfill towards that program this type of responsibility cannot be refused or
delegated for someone else to do except of course if and when you part with a
lot of money to compensate your inability to be there at that very time.
As
much as we recognize these interferences I believe the tradition should change or decline from our lifestyles because the world is a
global village and modernization and development has overtaken some of these practices
that are already old fashioned Moreno we are not in a monarchial system. We will sustain the healthy extended family
relations that will not impact on the married couple negatively or make them to
take premature decisions or cause them a great deal of inconvenience and discomfort
. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured so the societal factors must
ensure that the environment is made conducive for couples to thrive and for the
institution of marriage to flourish and produce companions ,best friends
,better halves and a healthy world to live, replenish the earth and have
total dominion.
Michael
O@cocoinsights
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